Since this week is an important week in the Unified Fund season, given that performance bonuses will be handed out to the top 5 competitors at the end of this week, I have decided to offer everyone free money.
Seriously. It's simple to collect. Just take all of your money, and put it on the Chiefs +6. Then take your real money that's in your bank account, fly to Vegas, and put everything on the Chiefs Moneyline. While my conscious will not allow me to bet against the Skins, this is a flat out guarantee for the 11 other sane people in this league. Throw out normal logic like the fact that the Redskins' largest margin of victory in the last 2 years is 8 points, or the fact that Jim Zorn's playbook only contains a jumbo run left and 9 versions of a screen pass. Forget all that logic. To cover 6 points, Vegas is assuming that the Redskins are actually capable of scoring at least 7 points, which is frankly no longer a possibility. The offensive line the Redskins started with this season was arguably the worst in the league. Now they're arguably the worst ever in the history of the NFL. They've lost 2 starters including pro bowler Chris Samuels, and they're moving their undrafted free agent Right Tackle (Panthers fans might remember him - he's the one who Julius Peppers pancaked 3 yards into the end zone for a safety last week) to protect Jason Campbell's blind side. So Campbell will be carted off the field with a broken leg in the 2nd quarter after fumbling at least 3 times. Enter Todd Collins. He's got a quicker release than Campbell which will help him against the pressure, but he has an arm made of pasta. He might be able to throw a ball 30 yards. On a bounce. So there's at least 2 picks on underthrows, one for a TD. Now you may be thinking...wait Shade, what about the Skins' defense. It's upgraded. Daniel Synder spent the GNP of Myanmar on free agents this offseason. They could single handedly get the Skins a cover. I can understand how you'd think that, but you'd be wrong. Albert Haynesworth gets hurt at least 4 times a game, and the times he's actually in the game I'm convinced he can't see because his helmet doesn't fit. Carlos Rogers will be in position for at least 2 pick-sixes but the ball will harmlessly fall off his cement hands. DeAngelo Hall will find himself needing to make a critical tackle on an aging bootlegging caucasion Quarterback in the final minutes and let his white ass drag him 4 yards for a game-clinching first down. It happens every game. Dwayne Bowe will singelhandedly make the Pro Bowl with his stats from this one game. Larry Johnson will recapture the 2005 magic and score two TDs, leaping into the arms of a linemen and throwing up the two-handed diamond symbol in honor of Jay-Z and Rashaad McCants on both occasions. Jim Zorn will be the first coach in the history of the NFL to be fired mid-game after he calls draw play on 4th and 17, gains 4 yards and then challenges the spot. It all adds up to a 61-3 Chiefs victory.
Which is why I would suggest going with the Chiefs +6. But, if you don't want to, here are the full slot of lines:
Chiefs @ Redskins (-6)
Texans @ Bengals (-4.5)
Browns @ Steelers (-14)
Ravens @ Vikings (-3)
Rams @ Jaguars (-9.5)
Giants @ Saints (-3)
Panthers (-3) @ Bucs
Lions @ Packers (-13)
Eagles (-14) @ Raiders
Cardinals @ Seahawks (-3)
Bills @ Jets (-9.5)
Titans @ Patriots (-9)
Bears @ Falcons (-3)
Broncos @ Chargers (-3.5)
Player Props
A. Rodgers (GB) o/u 272.5 passing yds
R. Lewis (BAL) o/u 9.5 solo + assisted tackles
B. Favre (MIN) o/u 20.5 completions
S. Slaton (HOU) o/u 93.5 rush + receiving yds
B. Edwards (NYJ) o/u 4 receptions
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i would bet the entire contents of my scrotum on the chiefs in this game... if they were GIVING six points.
ReplyDeleteFor those of you who don't know Briz, that's another die hard Skins fan giving his ringing endorsement of the Chiefs. It's not often a man would bet his scrotum contents.
ReplyDeleteTake these guarantees for what they are. After all, we are Skins fans. We let ourselves get fooled on a yearly basis that we have a team that can actually compete in the NFC East. By the same token, maybe we're now fooled in the opposite direction, we're jumping off the ship right before JC throws for 400 yards and we put up 40 on KC.
But that's not likely. Smart money and smart testicles go with the Chiefs.